The Insanity on the Horizion

That is, NaNoWriMo.

See, a nifty-lookin’ web badge. There’s a few different sizes, two different colours. It all promotes the utter wild and craziness that ensues in trying to write what seems like an astronomical word count in thirty days, on top of everything else that regularly occurs in your life. Let me tell you… 50,000 words should seem like nothing.  I haven’t made the goal yet, myself (give me a break, this is only my second year) but I have made friends with people who did two times that number or more in the 2008 event.

Anything is possible. Really. Well, except for things like… oh, crossbreeding a killer whale with a hummingbird.

For your writerly types who like a challenge, I hope to see you there.

Speaking of…

…my daughter, she’s been near-impossible to get to go to sleep the past couple nights. I don’t get it. On the weekend, I had her in bed by 6, which is an hour before her bedtime, because she was tired. I think the key thing here is that maybe she’s overtired by 7, which is when I manage to get her to bed during the week because I get off work at 5 and dinner ends up not being until 6. On the other hand, if she is up past her bedtime, she falls asleep by about 8pm. Either she needs to go to bed at 6 (which is hard for me to manage…) or she does in fact need less sleep. It’s hard to tell right now. She wakes up on her own at 6:30 am (after my having to wake her up at that time out of necessity. When daycare starts, it will more than likely be a half hour earlier than that.

Also on the subject of sleep is my sleep schedule. I know that, ideally, I want to be up at 5am. This means that, at the latest, I should be in bed and sleeping by about 10pm. This has yet to happen on a consistent basis. I’m managing to finally drag myself to bed at 11pm and getting up at about 6:30, which leaves me a little rushed in the morning, which I really do not like. Who likes being rushed, anyway? The issue here, I think, is my own lack of motivation, a sleep schedule that I’m used to which is vastly different from what I’m trying to attain and… yeah. I’m just miserable working eight hours if I don’t get enough sleep and I can’t seem to get up the true desire to get to bed at an hour that will benefit me and by process, all the other people in my life because when I do get a full night’s sleep, I’m happier, I react better to other people and frustrations… Everything in general just goes better. I think I just need to drop whatever it is that has my attention  at the appropriate time and just go to bed. And then do it again every night after that, whether I work the next day or not.

The problem is just getting started and carrying through. I am, by complete and total admission, a major procrastinator. See, even sitting here writing this blog right now, I could be making my lunch for tomorrow, doing dishes, tidying my room, cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry… The list goes on. There’s so many things that in fact need doing and here I am writing about not doing them. How much am I embarrassing myself here, knowing others will read this? A great deal. Such a great deal.

I’ve been reading ‘Boundaries for Kids‘ by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend and it’s made me realize my own  lack of boundaries and knowledge of personal limits, which makes me further realize that I might not be able to set very good boundaries for my daughter if I don’t have any of my own. I’m thinking I could benefit from the original Boundaries book for myself. I definitely feel motivated to acquire it sometime in the very near future.

Okay, enough of this. I’m going to shut the computer off and go… do things.

Crazy People…

…getting married and stuff.

Not me. Oh, no. Now, I’m not saying that I ‘ll never get married, but just that it is a long way off (an ‘indeterminate amount of time’ type of long way off…). Given that I’m single (which I manage quite well, thankyouverymuchyouknowwhoyouare.) kinda puts me at the bottom of the totem pole so far as this process of becoming what might also be called ‘permanently un-single’. But that’s not what I’m on about today.

I know too many people getting married within the next year or so. Believe me, this has happened before. It happens in blocks, it seems. A year or two ago, the same thing. Three friends, my sister, one of my cousins and a few other people I know all got married between May ‘07 and March ‘08.  I was in three of those weddings, maid of honour for two of them. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride (I’m okay with that right now). Anyways… it’s really enough to make a girl want to hide under a very large and heavy rock to not get drowned by the deluge of hitch-ups.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not knocking the institution of marriage. It’s a great and God-given thing, but when it seems like everyone you know is getting hitched, it makes being single… well, it makes the whole thing a sort of sore subject. It makes people think that you aren’t happy with your current relationship status (which at the time really does feel like a version of  ‘Dumpsville, Pop. 1 – YOU’) but the reality is that the feeling does pass. I speak the truth. I’m content with my singleness, my single-parent-ness. So leave it alone. I’m in no rush. All in God’s good timing.

My other sister is getting married next summer. Gosh, I’m so happy for her and it’s really about time. This was one of those ‘It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when‘ type things and I already know what I’m doing so far as their wedding present. If you two goons are reading this, I’m not letting the cat out of the bag, so don’t bother trying to look for clues, but I will say this – I really want you guys to have a successful marriage. In the world today, divorce is so rampant. People just get married with this illusion of a fairytale – they get married for the wrong reasons. Love alone is not enough. It never will be. A marriage is hard work… hard, God-glorifying work. You have to work at it. I want my sister and soon-to-be brother-in-law to be equipped with every possible tool they can have to make a marriage work. I personally have no idea what being married is like and I might never know – who am I to know what God has in store for me on this earth? But I have some pretty good ideas. I think anyone can make their marriage work with love, devotion and hard work.

I also think you gotta be the kind of person you want in a mate… but that’s another thing.

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Can I tell you all what really makes me smile? Nay, what makes me grin like a fool? There’s one song by Jars of Clay, called ‘Love Song for a Savior’ and the first verse or two before the chorus really, really makes me think of my daughter coming to know Christ. I have such a fervent hope for her. I don’t have these dreams of what I want her to be. She has so many interests and I know those will change continually over time… I do, however, have dreams of supporting and encouraging her in her dreams of what she wants to be, with the gifts God gives her.

So much hope for others! So much hope, for want of a better reality.

Things really do get better!

So wonderful my life has been lately, despite the fact that nothing of the day-to-day, week-to-week usual stuff has changed. I’m still working nine to five, Monday to Friday, still chasing the anklebiter outside those hours, keepin’ the house upkept and running like a machine that could probably do with oil changes more often than it gets them. To say, it’s far from perfect, but that’s alright.

I am not capable of perfect. But I aspire to resonate the perfection of the one whom I follow. The one whom, dare I say, we all follow. Amen?

Amen, indeed.

So what’s made my life so much more wonderful without any major physical change? Well, that’s my prayer life. For those of you not in the know, the thing was sorely lacking until recently. In the past month or two, God had been asking me in so many ways, in short and long words, to talk to Him. Goodness, did that ever make me nervous or did that ever make me NERVOUS! I don’t really know Him all that well (and I will never know Him quite so well as He knows me), so the thing is I get incredibly anxious and nervous about talking to people I don’t know. I feel silly, I feel fearful. I feel fearful of looking silly, especially if it’s someone I like. I like God. Love Him, even, sometimes. But it’s just that… I guess the thing was I didn’t want to be caught in the act of prayer by myself, where it was so noticeable that it was in fact what I was doing. It’s hard to pray alone without fear of being interrupted when you live with others. Especially when said others typically do not have the courtesy to knock – but that’s not what I’m on about here.

In any case, prayer is becoming a habit for me. It never was, before. Morning, noon, night… for all things, for strength, I am learning to go to Strongest of the Strong. The Almighty.

So that gets going and here’s God, sittin’ in the livingroom of my heart, goin -

“My dear, this here place is a big ol’ mess. Why don’t you let Me help you clean this up?”

- so not only does He want me to talk to him, He wants me to let him clean up my life, straighten everything out and make me a better person – the woman He wants me to be. And my, He is persistent.

I broke down. I just couldn’t resist anymore. I don’t see how anyone could resist or want to resist the love of the Father. I’m starting to see Him now. I wasn’t even trying to before.

Mneh.

Today is an ‘I really, really hate my life’ day.

Perhaps I’m being overly dramatic. Not sure.

Anyway, that is all.

Things getting better, I hope…

So,  I’ve had this job for about three weeks now. It’s not too bad, I still get to work with food, but it’s a produce (fruits and vegetables and such) company and I work on the production floor, which is more often than not cold and noisy. The noise combined with the cold tries its hardest to make me miserable, but I just concentrate on whatever I’m doing at the time and the hours fly by. Except when someone is working with onions. I tear up and get snuffly like nobody’s business and it’s not like I can just walk away until the onions are done with. I have to work through it. It’s crazy. I think my sinuses are clear on a quite regular basis. It pays less per hour (10/hr) than any other job I have worked in the past two or three years (where I usually earned 11 or 11.50/hr), but the fact that I was working minimal to full part-time at those jobs and I’m working full time at this job… oddly, my paycheques have only been bigger when I was working full-time (with the occasional blip of overtime) at 11.50 an hour at a call center. Which only lasted eight months because of my carelessness and ignorance.

I suppose I started to grow up eventually. Thanks to my daughter, I really didn’t have a choice anymore. Am I complaining? Not right now (I guess today is an okay day. -laugh-). It’s hard to be the lone person who has to work, chase a toddler, do all the housework, make all the meals and still sleep a full night every night without taking a gouging hit to your sanity. I just claim I have no sanity left or that it’s hanging by a very thin and frayed thread. I’ve always claimed some sort of craziness for years and years. Who wants to be ‘normal’? Not sure I can achieve that if I don’t know what normal is. I think I like ‘off the beaten path’. So much more fun. Although most days I’m not entirely sure that ‘fun’ can be at all applied to my life.  Unfortunately, I think I have to learn to deal before it kills me. I don’t have a choice.

I’m sure I would write about my love life, but as such, it does not exist and you know what? I’m okay with that. I couldn’t manage to have such a relationship right now without seriously sacrificing what time I do get with my daughter (and she with me). She’s going to be three soon and she’s much too young to understand the concept that mommy would like ‘me’ time.

Parenting, especially single parenting, you sacrifice a lot, but it can really be worth it.  Us single parents, some of us might not have gone about becoming parents ‘the right way’, but even then… even then children are still a gift. We’re being trusted with their lives from the start. And for all parents: Don’t ever forsake your children. It’s our sole responsibility to make sure they know all the little and big important things. Whether we teach them ourselves or enlist the help of others, it is our responsibility to make sure these things get done. We have to be role models. Those little eyes and ears are watching everything we do and say, which comes across as a little stalker-ish, if you think about it… trust me, it’s so terribly endearing to be emulated if what is being emulated is appropriate.

You see, kids seem to have a knack for picking up the one thing in a string of words you’ve said that you don’t want them to pick up. It’s so incredibly ironic. It’s like a warning. Yes, you said this, you’ve taught me this. They’ve confirmed your ‘whoopsie’.

Anyway, I think I’ve babbled on long enough for today.

So…

Things are still far from optimal, but I had a job interview yesterday which went very well. My interviewer said she was interested in hiring me and would give me a call on Wednesday to set up a time to come in and show what I’ve got. Well, this morning she calls and wants me to come in today to see what I’m made of. So, that’s what I’ll be doing from 2-6pm PST. I hope I get it… it’s one step closer to making this coming September seem less abysmal.

Also (though it’s been set in stone for weeks now), I’ve acquired daycare for my daughter starting in July.  So, things will be a little weird for at least a month if I get the job. I’ll just have to deal with my daughter,  separation anxiety  and the tantrums and clinginess that ensue when I work more than two or three days in a row, then it’ll be getting her into the new routine of going to daycare full time which – thank God- is a quiet one with only eight kids at a time.

If I get this job, I’ve got two pieces of my current stressors knocked down and then all I have to deal with, in my mind as far as I know, is one: Housing for September 1st.

Just gotta remember to keep on praying.

In no particular order of importance…

1) I don’t know what to say anymore. Maybe I never did.

2) I wonder if it’s even worth it.

3)Does what I feel matter?

4)Do actions speak louder than words or is the pen indeed mightier than the sword?

5)Other than the obvious, why am I so irrational?

6)Why is it, even with being fully aware of the consequences, that we do it anyway?

7)I can do better, can’t I?

8)Nobody dislikes me more than I do.  Don’t even think you come anywhere close.

9)This doesn’t make sense!

10)I’m sorry. I really, really am. Forgive me or not, that’s your perogative.

Bonus Question: What do you think of me?

Take these statements and questions as you will. Respond to them or not. It’s up to you to decide whether it’s your place to respond to something or not.  I have no right to be offended by your honest opinion, so give me what you’ve got.

I demand more hours in the day!

more hours in the day!
There's never enough time to get everything done. But on the other hand, I'm a horrid procrastinator and I don't make proper use of the time I already have, so… yeah. Go figure.

Pruis, oh pretty Prius with cherry on top?

Sensible. I'm not the type of person to go for a pavement princess. Besides, I already know what my dream car is.